Barncats in Ellensburg

Um it's been how long since I posted? Yeah, I know, who cares? Exciting things since the last post: nothing. Stuff that has happened: Dave got laid off twice, I went crazy twice (see the correlation?), half of the kitchen counter got re-tiled with porcelain tile instead of the ugly marble tile I've grown to hate. Word of warning: do NOT use marble for counter tops. The soccer season ended (hurray!) and wrestling season started yesterday. We're not sure if Shane will be varsity or j.v. yet because I guess there's one other skinny kid that wants to wrestle 103, so they'll have to duke it out (or wrestle it out, rather). If I remember, I'll update you on the outcome.

So I find myself at the height of Christmas shopping season with nary a penny to spend on Christmas. I'm not being dramatic- there's really zero money for gifts this year. I know it isn't about giving the kids every electronic toy or snowboard or whatever it is they want. But it is about giving, which is going to be a bigger challenge since I won't be giving anything of monetary value this year (unless of course I buy a lotto ticket and hit it big before then). So if you one or two folks who read my blog have any ideas for 'homemade' gifts that require little to no investment in supplies, please share. Did I say 'please?' Yeah. Please. I know- I'll do all their laundry. That would be a first. Nothing says, "Merry Christmas" like clean underwear. How do you think they'd feel about an 'IOU a Christmas present once Dad gets a job?' It might have to do.

How silly is it that Christmas is what I'm stressing over when making the mortgage payment is getting tougher and tougher?

This would be a good time to start some no-cost traditions. Maybe a Christmas service project or 'count our blessings' family home evening.

What does that even mean? I looked it up and it just means that Mercury appears to be going backward because of the angle it's moving in relation to the earth. The web site I looked at said it's not a good time to start anything new, but it's a great time to finish projects, edit your manuscript, etc. Whateva!

Work is no longer boring all the time, but totally hoppin'. It makes the workday seem to go by so much faster, which is good. Who wants to count every minute when you're at work? Not me.

My Marine friend Scott is overseas again and has been regaling me with some entertaining stories. He's currently on a ship somewhere near Okinawa and he sent me some pictures of a Harrier jet hovering over the deck of his ship. It's such an amazing thing- that those jets are able to seemingly hang in the air and lower slowly down to the deck. I'm sure it's nearly as frightening to land that way as it is to touch down on a deck the length of a football field praying your tailhook will catch, or that you'll have enough thrust to head up instead of down into the water if it doesn't. My uncle who used to be a Navy pilot said that was the most frightening thing he's ever done- landing on a carrier. And I believe it.

Oh, how I'd love to ride with one of the Blue Angels in an F/A-18 Hornet. Did you know there's currently a female on the Blue Angels' roster?

When I wrote the last post I failed to mention that every time things seem to be going well in my life I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. While I realize things can't be great all the time, I was hoping it would last. The blessings haven't changed but I guess my attitude has. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fully grateful for all I'm given on a daily basis. What I'm getting at is this: I was really hoping that the beginning of the school year would be different this time. I hoped I wouldn't have to fight Brayden to get him to go to school, but alas we're back to more of the same. He's 17, thinks he's invincible and that he knows everything- just like every other 17-year old. I always feel like I'm balancing on this high-wire when it comes to him, not knowing how to get across. On one hand he's a big boy and should be responsible for his actions (or lack of). On the other hand he makes bad decisions and there need to be immediate consequences. If I wait for the natural consequences to catch up with him it'll more than likely be too late. Like not going to school = not graduating. This is the natural consequence, but if I just allow that to happen then I feel like I'm setting him up to fail. I just don't know the answer. Do I stop pushing and let him fail, or do I act the dutiful mother part and drag him to graduation by the noose around his neck?

Recently I've had a few discussions with my friends about blessings, and how I feel like they're literally pouring down on my family right now. I can't say that this is the first time it's happened, but it's the first time I've been fully aware of the abundance. Some of them might seem inconsequential from the outside, but to me they're huge, and proof that Heavenly Father is acutely aware of my specific needs and wants. Like Dave being continually employed for over a year. The construction industry is cyclic, and layoffs are a part of life, but not this year. That's a huge blessing. Not only because of the fiscal ramifications of a layoff, but the fact that each time it happens I get a little closer to permanent insanity. Also, I've been praying for years to be able to be at home with the kids. I've always felt this was a righteous desire, but I'd given up on it being possible because I just didn't see a way. Dave's pay is basically set at a particular level and it's unlikely it'll ever just double. In the past month I've realized that it could happen, just not the way I had envisioned it. I'm not even sure exactly when I realized what the solution might be, but once I did I knew I had to act on it. And more importantly, acknowledge it.

Then there are the daily blessings, like healthy kids and a semi-clean house; or even little miracles like the fact there's a possibility Brayden will be able to make up enough credits to graduate this year. These are things I worry about constantly, so to have even a little of the anxiety lifted is a blessing.

Reconnecting with a few old friends, and making a couple of new friends has also been great for my attitude.

That's not an exhaustive list by any means, but those are the blessings that're on my mind today and for which I'm extremely grateful.

I think I must be a huge dork because I'm really excited about the company I'm a consultant for now. Maybe it's the newness of it all, but I really feel like I'll be able to make it work for me. When you're selling anything it's really important to love the product/products and I really do love them. I see a difference when I look in the mirror, which is the biggest test of all, right? And my fingers have stopped peeling since I started using the hand care. Yeah, my fingertips are constantly peeling and I always have hangnails that hurt (it's lovely, really), but I don't right now, which is great.

Besides feeling excited about the products, I'm a little nervous that I won't be brave enough to sell them to other people. It's silly, because if I didn't stand to make any money from telling my friends how much I love this stuff I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. I wonder what it is that makes us clam up the minute we stand to benefit from sharing our opinions? I guess at that point it's no longer an unbiased opinion even if you're saying the same thing you said before you started earning money.

Anyway, I'm heading down to Utah Sept. 4 to do a spa for my friends and sisters-in-law. I'm really excited to see everyone, and I'm sure they'll love it all too!

Oh yeah- the company is BeautiControl. I'm ranting on about it and forgot that part. I have a new website that you can look at all the products. It's www.beautipage.com/juliemerrill.

In other news... Camille is going up to Bellingham today to fight a speeding ticket, so everyone send good vibes her way. A prayer or two wouldn't hurt, either. We can't really afford to have our insurance premiums increase, you know?

Brayden and Shane have band camp for 6 hours a day every day for the rest of the week up at the high school, so Chloe will be the lone ranger for a few hours a day. One of our friends that moved to Indiana is coming back for a visit and bringing her twin boys that we've never met and Chloe will be babysitting them for a few days. Their mom Adrienne is here on business so she has to work for Wednesday and Thursday.

I hope everyone's having a great week.

Yeah, I didn't have a great day yesterday. I think that may've been due to these rhodiola drops I took that are supposed to give you energy. They gave me anxiety instead. Major anxiety and grumpiness. I refrained from shooting anyone or getting myself in too much trouble, but my post was obviously indicative of my mood.

Today is better. Can you believe Michael Phelps and all his gold medals? He's awesome. My friend Marie turns 40 on Thursday, so go over to her blog and wish her a happy birthday. The link is over on the right.

I'm ready for another vacation—I think Italy would be great. Anyone want to take me to Italy? Can't hurt to ask!

I think I mentioned a few posts back that depression is one of my challenges. It's challenging me today. It's one of those days where everything is overwhelming, nothing seems possible and I feel like a fool for even trying. In my mind (today) there will never be enough money to pay the bills AND raise the kids, the house will never look good, the blackberries will take over the entire yard and I can't do anything about it, I have no friends and I'll never be able to make extra money, no matter how hard I try or how many books I read. I try to cast my burdens on the Lord, but He helps those who help themselves, and I can't seem to help myself. By the way, which is it? Are we supposed to give all our problems to the Lord and let Him sort them out, or are we supposed to try to fix it ourselves and He'll help us out eventually?

I'd also like for someone to explain this dichotomy to me: 'Adam fell that men might be; men are that they might have JOY.' But then in the Doctrine and Covenants Joseph Smith is suffering terribly in jail and he gets this: 'And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.' Where's the joy? How could anyone, even a prophet of God, be joyful in that situation? It seems to me that Experience and Joy are mutually exclusive, so how can we have both? Anyone? Beuller?

I'm not saying it isn't possible, I just want to know HOW? Is it that 'men are that they might have joy'...eventually? In the afterlife if we live through the experience? I consider myself a semi-intelligent person and I can't make sense of this. But I want to. I really do.

Mama Mia! I thought it was a cute movie, but I liked the stage production better. Pierce Brosnan absolutely CANNOT sing, but the rest of the movie was good.

No, I'm not starting a movie review website. Who cares what other people think of a movie anyway? It only makes a difference to me if everyone I know hates something—then I don't bother.

I am trying to start a business though, and I want to do it right. I'm going to try as much online marketing as I can, so I'm learning how to write web copy, write a sales letter, and my biggest challenge will be getting people to my web page. I've sent an s.o.s. letter to my brother who's the google/yahoo/etc. guru when it comes to placing and using key words. He actually does it professionally, so I'm bribing him for some of his expertise. We spent 13 years living in the same house, so that should count for something, right? I've decided the hardest part so far is balancing expenditures. It's easy to get carried away spending money on marketing systems, websites, etc. when you don't have any money coming in yet. I realize it takes money to make money, so it's tougher when you don't have the investment capital. I'll make it work somehow—I always do! Sometimes to the chagrin of my dear husband.

Today's been eventful so far. I tripped on the curb walking to work from the bus and landed basically face-down on the sidewalk. My shoulder is sore and I skinned and bruised my knee, so that's a lot of fun. But the day got better because I got a 'cash call' award at our quarterly department meeting for helping with a quarterly newsletter (which was fun to do). So I got a little mad money to spend at Nordstrom. Hmmm. Purse. Shoes. School clothes? Nah.

If you live around me and didn't get an invitation to my spa escape party (that would only be because I don't have your email address), try to come on August 22nd at 6:30. If you're out of town and want to come, even better!!!

Oh, and you should definitely click the new link to 'Merrill Madness' and see my adorable Great Niece. My technically retarded sister-law (love you, Wendy!) has joined the 21st century and has a new blog.

I hope everyone's having a great summer. I'd love to hear about your vacation joys and mishaps.

I'd like to know what your CHALLENGES in life are. As I was completely melting down last night (it took TWO Xanax to calm me down) I actually said out loud to my husband, "I think God has completely overestimated my ability to handle my life," obviously referring to the belief that He will never give us more than we can handle. What caused the meltdown? I have a history of travel anxiety, but it's not what you're thinking. I do okay when I'm the one traveling- no fear of flying, driving, etc. But I tend to freak out when my loved ones travel without me. When my parents started jet-setting to exotic places like Africa, China and Russia I'd lose my marbles about two days before they left and come back to reality when they came home. I never really knew exactly why I had this anxiety—I'm sure it was based in fear I would never see them again. Then a few years ago my dad died and my worst fear was realized- losing a family member. Since then I've been fine every time my mom travels. I thought I was done with that neurosis, but then Brayden left town on a road trip with a few friends and one of their dads. That's what started last night's tailspin. Lord, thank You for Xanax. I firmly believe that sometimes the answer to our prayers comes in the form of pharmaceuticals. When the chemicals are wonky sometimes only other chemicals will fix it. Don't get me wrong—I'm not advocating the daily/hourly use of pills to get through life. Only when they're called for, like last night.

So there's one of my challenges- dealing with depression and anxiety. I usually have that one under control. Migraines are my other challenge as most of my friends know. I've prayed a lot to be relieved of them and I've come to the conclusion that I have to work this one out myself, or with doctors at least. There's got to be a lesson in them somewhere, but at this point in my life I'm not sure what it is. Some days I think I have them so I'll appreciate the days I'm headache-free. Or maybe it's to keep me out of trouble—it's more difficult to do evil when you can't move your head, right? If you know someone who suffers from Migraines here are a few things I've learned from them:

1) As soon as you feel it coming on TAKE YOUR MEDICINE. Don't wait until you're blinded and ready to chop off your head.

2)Not all neurologists know about migraines. Find a headache specialist or pain clinic.

3)Many migraines are triggered by hormones. Women: Look into bio-identical progesterone. NOT the kind found in birth control.

4)Magnesium helps, but can give you diarrhea. But it has to be a chelate. Try Magnesium aspartate, gluconate, glycinate, stearate or citrate.

5)Pain medications can actually GIVE you a headache if you take it too often. It's called 'drug rebound.' So be sure you don't take a particular type of pain drug more than three times a week. Mix it up with acetaminophen, ibuprofen, aspirin, etc.

6)There are many different and new migraine drugs, so if you've tried Imitrex and it didn't work for you, try another migraine drug. One of them might work. But you'll need a headache specialist, so find one!

7)There are now prevention medications that work pretty well. Topamax worked great for me for about a year. It also has a weight loss side effect, which was no problem for me.

8)If all else fails, try botox injections. It only worked for a few weeks for me, but it works really well for a lot of people.

I hope this might help someone!

Dave and I have talked for a long time about putting solar panels on our roof to cut the power company out of our lives, but then we looked into it and it's REALLY expensive. I mean, cost-prohibitive. I was out surfing the net today and found something that looks interesting and I'm thinking I might give it a try. Look at it and see if you think it looks feasible. I'd like to think it is. But I'll have to wait till the next paycheck to find out!

Click Here!

I hope everyone enjoys their long weekend (if you don't work retail). It's a great time of year to remember the sacrifices made on behalf of our liberty, and the sacrifices currently being made for the liberty of others.

It brings to mind the words of Edmund Burke: "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

Have a happy and SAFE 4th of July holiday!

I finally downloaded the contents of my camera's memory card. The first picture is from a few weekends ago. My friend Brittany is getting married at the end of June and she had a fairly tame bachelorette party at which we met a few of the guys from the Canadian national soccer team. The guy between Brittany and me is Adrian Serioux.

The next picture is my mom and me at M&M's world in Vegas in March, and the last one is my friend Heidi who is a Sargeant with the St. George P.D., also in Vegas in March.

Chloe turns 13 and Camille comes home from Western in three days, and school gets out in nine. What do you get a 13-year old who wants everything?

How do we Seattleites know when spring is here? The rain is warmer. Actually, it hasn't been very rainy the past week. It was even sunny for Memorial Day weekend, which was an unexpected treat!

Our plans for the summer include: working, cleaning, having Camille home from school, working, maybe some camping, Chloe going to Girls' Camp, the boys are going to Scout Camp (maybe) and working. Unless of course we win the mega-millions- then there might be less working and more traveling. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Who can afford to travel this summer with gas at $4/gallon?

Still, it's nice to see the sun occasionally, use the barbecue and smell the freshly-cut grass. We also love cola and banana Slurpees. What part of summer do you love?

I have to admit that I've been following the filming, etc. of the Twilight movie coming out in December, and I'm starting to get really excited. Every day there seem to be a bunch of new photos, videos and interviews of the cast and director. Click this link to see my recent favorite pictures.

What I've seen so far has been fairly mind-blowing. I can't even imagine how exciting it must be for Stephenie Meyer to have her imagined characters brought to life in a movie. I'm a little jealous of her incredible imagination. I love to write, but I'm just not very imaginative and feel like I'd bore myself, much less anyone who read what I wrote. What an amazing gift- another one I wish I had—along with being able to compose music. But I think it's good to be in awe of others' talents and gifts. I think it makes us appreciate them even more.

I wonder sometimes if I have a gift that others wish they had, but I honestly can't imagine what it would be. Certainly not my homemaking skills! That's something my mom is incredibly gifted with. If you happen to read this, I'd love to hear what your special gifts are, and what talents you wish you had that you don't- yet. I guess one gift I have is faith. I've always had a lot of faith, although some of my friends might be surprised to hear it.

This is my new motto. Work has been so slow lately I feel myself getting dumber. Do you have any brain-stimulating activities that can be done at a desk? I'd appreciate any ideas. Even new and exciting web pages or blogs. I decided yesterday that I'd come to the end of the internet. I mean, how many times can you look at perez in a day without putting your fist through the screen? Especially with all his typos. Seriously.

And have any of you actually figured out how to use Facebook? I'm not a total retard (although I'm inching my way there) and I honestly can't figure out how to do anything but revise my own profile and get a new fortune cookie fortune.

One more question: Why are some celebrities accessible and some completely inaccessible? I mean, some of them have myspace accounts and interact with their fans and some of them hide behind their fame. I think if fans have been nice enough to give you their attention and make you famous and wealthy you should repay the favor by giving a little more of yourself.

On to Mother's Day. My kids made a good effort to clean the house, and Camille did a bunch of laundry which was exactly what I asked of them. I take advantage of Mother's day and my birthday. I don't lift a finger and I beg favors off the kids in the name of it being 'my day.' No guilt.

Every night I lie in bed and think of all the stuff I need to do, and honestly if I didn't have to get up for work I'd get up at midnight and start cleaning and organizing because that's when I have the energy and the motivation. Well, maybe not because I'd probably wake up the whole house, but I think it's really sick that I have energy in the middle of the night. Why can't I have that energy at 6:00 p.m. instead of 12:00 a.m.? It doesn't make any sense. So I lie in bed and make all these plans for what I'll accomplish when I get home from work the next day, and of course none of it happens. Yeah, I know- boo hoo.

I spent two short days in Vegas last week as my brother got married on Tuesday (March 25). It was a fun trip- my mom and I went to the wedding in the median underneath the 'Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas' sign. It was pretty casual and fun. Then we had late lunch at Paris, Las Vegas. The buffet was really good. My long-time friend Heidi drove down from St. George, Utah after work Tuesday night and we talked and laughed til pretty late, then Wednesday we shopped and had lunch at Café Rio. I'd heard about their signature salad, so I had to try it. It was definitely as good as all that. My only regret was not getting to In-n-Out Burger while I was there. That was my excitement for the month!

Shane leaves tomorrow night for Washington D.C. with the Jr. High school band. He's a percussionist and I think he's really good. Takes after his Grammy. He'll be gone almost a week- I'll miss him terribly! He's usually the most cheerful one around the house. I'm really excited he gets to go, though.

Well, back to pretending I'm working hard. It's the calm before the storm.

The headaches have dulled and become manageable- I'm pretty sure I've been suffering from TMJ problems but it's died down a lot.

There are several weddings coming up for us- my brother is getting married in Vegas tomorrow, then Dave's nephew is getting married May 13 and his niece on May 24. 'Tis the season! I'm excited to go to Vegas- my mom and I are flying out tonight and I'm coming back Wednesday night. 2 days in the sun- woohoo! At least I hope it stays sunny for us. While I'm there my friend Heidi who's a St. George police sargeant is coming down to play. I'm really excited about that because I haven't seen her for ages.

Camille's home for spring break and is currently staying at my brother's house taking care of his fiancé's kids while they're in Vegas. That's probably nice for her to get some peace and quiet (well, at least while the kids are at school).

Hope everyone had a happy Easter!

I think I posted that I was really excited to have found what I thought was a cure for my incessant headaches. I started taking magnesium and for about a week I was headache-free. Unfortunately, it wasn't in the cards for me to get permanent relief. The past two weeks I've had a headache every day. I'm sure everyone has had constant pain during some part of their life (if not, I'm happy for you) so you know how tiring it is. How it saps your energy, happiness, will to live... okay, so I'm being a little over-dramatic but I'm just SO TIRED of having a headache every day of my life. Things that used to work to prevent them no longer do, and many things that used to relieve them no longer do. I've experimented to figure out what triggers them and I haven't found a pattern or food that correlates to them at all. Except stress, which isn't something I can easily control.

There's my big whine for the month. I'll quit it now.

On this, my 20th wedding anniversary I'm going to tell you all the things I love about Dave.
He's kind, intelligent, handsome, handy, a very nice dad, a great friend, sensitive, considerate, he let's me put my cold feet on him at night, he usually lets me watch what I want on tv, drives the kids around so I don't have to, writes me love poems, lets me snuggle up and fall asleep on his chest or shoulder every night, he does laundry and occasionally dishes, he has almost finished my new kitchen, he supports me in anything I want to do, he isn't possessive or territorial, he cooks occasionally, he brings me diet coke without being asked and so much more. He sent me that 'I love you' picture earlier this week. Sweet, right?

I should probably stop because I don't want to sound as spoiled as I actually am. I also don't want all my friends lining up to kill me so they can have him.

So cheers to Dave on our anniversary. I love you!